Teardrops on my guitar
by angietheunicorn
Summary: a new take on the James Lily relationship. sad. songfic revised yet again


Disclaimer: I do not own anything that you recognize, and if this has already been used in another fan fiction, I am sorry, and since I haven't read all fan fictions, I cannot know if I am copying. Thanks for reading.

Song by Taylor Swift

I looked over at James, watching the light as it framed his face as those wonderful hazel depths read once again the note he was writing. He scribbled, then became frustrated, a furrow of worry and frustration apparent on his forehead. His eyebrows came together a little. His hands, rough from Quidditch, held the deep purple quill on the paper, not seeming to care that a huge splotch of black ink was on the brink of ruining the whole note.

"Hey James, what'cha writing? The potions essay?" I asked. He smiled; leaning back, placing his hands behind his head, after putting the quill in the ink jar. He looked so relaxed. His dark hair was falling into his eyes. He gently lifted his hand from his heads and brushed it away. His air was sticking up in the back, being pressed into the wall of the Gryffindor common room. The crimson carpets and the stonewalls covered with red and gold tapestries reflected the light gently, making his face defined and gentle in the light.

"I finally got to her. She actually gave me the time of day today, not a slap." He said, not seeing the look of pain that crossed my features. He wasn't aware that I watched him this carefully, and I hope he never finds out. I took my blue eyes off of the note and looked down at the brown book in my lap. I looked up when I heard the gentle scratch of his quill on his paper. He paused, absentmindedly reached up to loosen his tie. He was reading a line to himself, his eyes gently tracing the creamy parchment, as if looking for a way that the note could offend her.

"Lily?" I asked, seeing the look in his eyes. The one that I wish would shine for me.

"Yeah, I think I got to her when she saw me dancing with you. It was a great idea for the Halloween ball. And she seemed to tolerate me after that." He said, giving me one of his friendly smiles, not seeing the pain that I could have sworn made my eyes cloud over.

I remembered that ball…

**Flashback**

The great hall had been decorated for the same occasion before, but not like the way it was now. I had taken pride in helping James and Lily set it up. I was the only girl that James ever hung out with, so many people had thought that was the only reason I was there with him, to snog him, I wish, but I wasn't. The huge ceiling had been charmed to read happy Halloween to everyone who looked up. The huge banners that stood for each of the houses had been charmed to flash various Halloween saying.

The walls had been decorated with giant pumpkins and torches. Every so often, there would be a cauldron bubbling, filled with dry ice and water. Some people had dressed up, I had. I was dressed up as Cinderella, but I didn't have a prince charming. James was dressed up as Wesley, from 'the princess bride'. I there was a lot of people dressed up as Muggles, or maybe they were Muggles, they looked very confused. James was by the punch bowl, looking at lily, which had just entered with her friends. I knew I had to do something. Before he made a fool of himself.

"Hey James? Want to dance?" I asked him, hoping, dreaming, praying, that he would stop staring at Lily. She herself looked lovely, and I noticed that she looked extra pretty

Her looks are unusual, and her eyes, although pretty, were a little too bright. Green eyes, yes she had green eyes. I have blue. Blue. Many people say storm gray blue, but it never caught anyone's attention. Lily was wearing a green dress, and it was breath taking. My dress was well, blue, just like my make up, just like my eyes, just like my emotions. So we went to dance, and we danced. But he never stopped peeking at her.

"Do you think she has noticed me yet?" he asked, craning his neck to see her.

"James, yes, I think she has. You don't need to look every five seconds. It might make her think that you are eager to show that you are over her." I said, trying not to mouth her off. We spun around someone, him only looking at her when he was facing her.

To be honest, I wish she looked like me and that I looked like her. Maybe.

"Hey James, you love Lily, right?" I asked, almost losing control of my voice.

"Yeah, I do, why?"

"Are you sure that it is not just her looks?"

" How can you say something like that?" he asked, looking at me with frustration on his face.

"No, no, let me explain. You have nearly captured every heart in the vicinity that were not caught by Sirius." _Including mine_ I thought, then continued, " and a little heart broken girl had asked me that if Lily had blue eyes and blonde hair, or had a different nose, or looked like someone else, and that other person had her looks, would you love the one who looked like lily, or the one who is Lily, but looks different?"

" No, it isn't her looks, well, it's that too, but I could care less if she had cancer, or got into a burning accident. I love the lily I know, her morals, and her standards. She could have drunk twelve ugly potions, and I would still love her." He said, extending his hand as I flew away from him, then as I came back like a yo-yo.

He dipped me, and then brought me up as the song ended.

I remember everything about him, the smell of him, the feeling when he held me while we danced, the lights playing softly to the music. I remember the music too. It was a muggle song by someone or other, and I had felt a pang of sorrow when I heard it.

_Drew looks, _

_At me, _

_I fake a smile so he won't see_

_That I want, _

_And I need him,_

_Everything that we should be,_

I can't really remember what happened after that. Fine, I lied. I watched as Lily Evans left the room, her eyes filled with tears, I think she overheard his comment about the ugly potions, and I watched as James let go of me, and followed her. I was so wishing I were her. I would die to get what she had.

**END OF FLASHBACK**

He laughed. I loved the sound of his laugh. I shook my head, only to see him bending over his parchment once more.

"You know Saundra, I really like her. She doesn't think that, but I want to be by her side every moment of every day. I want to see her glorious red hair, I want to be able to kiss her whenever I want to, just because I can." he said, smiling to himself over her memory.

I looked at him, praying he wasn't looking at me, or he would have seen shiny, over watery eyes. Dull eyes, eyes that never caught his attention, my eyes. I know we go back, really, really far back, since first year far back, and I know and have hoped and prayed that he might love me, but it never ever is.

"She has the most beautiful hair, and her eyes, ooo, I love them. And I love the way she stands up for what she believes in. she has spunk." He went on.

The song wove its way into my imagination, into my thoughts now, trapping me in my pity and unreturned love like an insect caught in sticky amber.

_I bet she's beautiful,_

_That girl he talks about,_

_And she's got everything_

_That I've had to live without_

" Umm, James, I have to go to get a project from potions, I will see you later." I said, hoping the tears didn't coat my voice.

"Ok, see you later then." He said absentmindedly stroking his chin with the end of his quill, pondering upon some line of his marvelous letter to her or something.

I left, wiping my eyes. My feet carried me to the library, where I hid in a secluded corner and cried softly. All those days I spent with him, and he was always mooning over Lily. Sirius and Remus, when they had enough, left him to ponder by himself. I looked around, still wiping tears from my eyes, and then I saw a book that had a story to it. It was called "The Princess Bride", and as I took it reverently from it's own shelf, a memory came flooding back to me.

**FLASHBACK**

We were in our fifth year, and we were working on a potions essay. Sirius and Remus were messing around. Peter was looking out of a window absently. James was sitting there; talking to me about, guess what, yes you got it, Lily. He had been going back and forth. He would read and excerpt from the story softly, then he would talk about her. She was listening, and she laughed once or twice softly. He seemed to bask in her laugh.

"Oh my heavens. Did you hear the way she laughed when I said that one thing it class, I never thought she would ever laugh with me."

"Well, it is funny, I mean, Weasly is a real prince charming, and the Spaniard, Inigo? Yeah, him, he was really cool." I said, laughing as I remembered the part he just read out to us. But I laughed for him too. He was happy. Even though I didn't do it, Lily did.

" Yeah, and did hear her, I read the part softly during class, and she was listening. Maybe I do have a chance after all." He said, hopefully. I hoped otherwise.

**END OF FLASHBACK**

I sighed, closing the book softly as fresh tears came and slowly dripped from my quivering chin. I bit my tongue to halt more sobs as I heard the sound, rebounding lightly in my head, with an echoing kind of tone. Water fell onto the dull red carpet, staining Hogwarts with even more of my tears.

_Drew talks,_

_To me._

_I laugh cause it's just so funny,_

_But I can't even see_

_Anyone when he's with me._

I cried softly, huddled in that corner for a while, not caring. I was a best friend to him, but I could never be what I wanted. He would never look at me in a more than friendly way. He loved Lily, and I know he didn't mean to, but he broke my heart.

As I dried the tears from my eyes, he came flying into the library, a scrap of paper clenched tightly between those perfect fingers.

" I finally got it!" he said, earning a scathing look from the librarian, who peered at them before becoming fully immersed in her novel once more. He looked at me, noticing my tears, then asked, " Is something wrong?"

When I didn't answer, he wrapped his arms around me and said, "Point the guy out, the guy who hurt you, who didn't care about your feelings, point him out, and I will turn him into pulp."

I shook my head, not wanting him to know my thoughts. I pushed him away a little, and he backed off, still close enough to comfort me, but not close enough to where I couldn't even breathe.

I took the paper, and read it. It was a poem, a wonderful, lovely poem, and an apology. I read it over again, reading the lines that I wished could be written to me, from him.

" It's good, really good." I said, handing it back. I tucked one hand into my hair then began to swirl it around with my fingers. I blinked quickly, trying to stop fresh tears.

" I am so in love, I feel like I can fly!" he said, and then a look brightened his face. " I think I will. Yeah. You want to come?"

I shook my head no. The poem was still ringing inside my head, and I felt more tears coming on.

"Ok. Hey, when you want to, I will still punish the guy who hurt you. I won't push you to tell me, but you tell me, and I will have a talk with him." His eyes bore into mine, and I wished that he loved me.

And with that he left, leaving me back where I was, crying in the corner of a silent library, trying to bandage the heart that wouldn't stop breaking.

He says he's so in love He's finally got it right 

_I wonder if he knows,_

_He's all I think about at night_

I don't know how long I lay there, but the song seemed never ending. I just sat there, trying to endure my own grief while it reminded me of what I could never have. I couldn't get rid of it, it was burned into my skull, I t seemed.

_He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar,_

_The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star_

_He's the song, in the car, I keep singing_

_Don't know why I do_

The Grief only ended when a memory came floating into my head. I wanted to cry more as I sat there, on the floor of the library, tears on my cheeks and hands.

**FLASHBACK**

I was in the hall, coming out of potions, and I saw him, talking with Sirius. He turned to me, mid-step, and smiled. He waved and so did Sirius and Remus. I just remember feeling breathless. All my stuff fell out of my hands, but he was too far away to help me pick them up. The other students didn't notice me.

I reached down and collected them. When I looked up, I saw him, in between students, walking away, his cloak billowing behind him. Let me tell you, I was ready to throw myself off a cliff for him.

**END OF FLASHBACK**

Drew walks by me 

_Can he tell that I can't breathe?_

_And there he goes, so perfectly, _

_The kind of flawless I wish I could be_

I put my head against the wall, and then dug into my bag for some chocolate. I opened it, and took a bite. I tried to chew, but my throat was sore from crying.

I swallowed and took another bite, not trying anymore to stop the tears. I knew they had to come out sometime, and I would rather now than later.

Besides, I might actually be able to give my poor heart a chance to heal.

Coming to this conclusion, I felt the tears renew themselves in their great flow. But this time, I looked up to see Lily. She bent down and gave me a hug, and then she said,

" Did potter do this to you? I will take him to the head master for this. He can't just hurt you like-!" she stopped as I cut her off.

" No, not like that; you don't understand." I sobbed, and then I cried some more, I hugged her close.

"What do I not understand?" she asked me, her hair falling in rivets of fire as the light from a window shone on them. Her eyes were filled with worry. I wish I could be her. Over and over I wish that again and again. The words I don't want to say pass through my failing lips, and I realize that if I cared for him, I would let go. If you let something go, if you love it, it will come back. But I knew James never would

" He loves you, like he can never love me. I sit here, and I read all the poems and all the letters he writes to you, and I endure his pain, and I listen to him, and all he talks about are you. I fell in love with him, and he never even noticed me in that way." I sobbed. " He loves you so deeply, and I know no one can love that way. I guess it's selfish, but I love him!" I sobbed. The window showed the sun that was setting. If I had cared, I would have been surprised at the passage of time, but I didn't

" Listen, you can have him dear, I don't want him. He is a pain in the Arse."

"No, he loves you, and deep down, you love him, I know you do. I see it in your eyes every time you two share eyes contact. You two were meant to be, and I- I-." I stuttered, shaking and trembling all over. I broke down, and cried, clutching onto her for dear life it seemed. She was just dumbstruck.

" But he hasn't bugged me at all this year. I thought he had moved on," she said, " and when he was dancing with you, I thought he had gotten over me."

I shook my head, remembering the letters and everything.

I stood up, and she hugged me, I knew I had to go to dinner, that I had to do something. That I had to do something to fill the vast abyss that had suddenly become me heart, but I still had to tell her something.

"You go take care of him now. Listen he loves you, like he can never love me. And it's real, lily, it's as real as you are. Please, just try to get to know him." And with that, I left, leaving her on her knees, contemplating what I had said.

_She better hold him tight, _

_Give him all her love,_

_Look in those beautiful eyes,_

_And know she's lucky cause._

_He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar,_

_The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star_

_He's the song, in the car, I keep singing_

_Don't know why I do_

I walked up the stairs, feeling numb to everything. No one stopped me or got in my way. Most people were gone.

I reached the common room, and out of the window, I saw James flying, then his attention seemed to be caught by something on the ground. He looked shocked. I knew it was Lily, finally trying to get to know him, and to love him. He flew out of the seeing range of the window, like he was leaving my life.

I thought my heart could take it, I really thought it could. But I was wrong. I love him too much. I can't live without him. But she deserves him, and he, her. But there was no one for me, absolutely no one. I walked up the deserted stairs, the chilly, fresh spring air wasted on one whom didn't want to breathe. I knew that if I stuck around, and watched them, I would die, and to be honest, I am an obstacle for them. They will do great things. Saundra potter wasn't meant to be, and Lily potter was.

I took a step towards my bathroom, where I had my grooming supplies were. I brushed my teeth, and changed into pajamas, then crawled into bed. I took one final look at everything, and I cried again. I think that was all I did that day. Now Hogwarts will have taken my sorrow away.

So I drove home alone 

_As I turn out the light_

_I'll put his picture down and _

_Maybe get some sleep tonight._

_Cause He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar,_

_The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart._

_He's the song, in the car, I keep singing_

_Don't know why I do_

I put one hand I had on a picture of him and me, and we look happy, he is pushing me around on a swing. And the leaves of all colors start to swirl around him. His face is frozen in silent joy, as is mine. The picture seemed to be like an enemy bowman, sending a fatal arrow into my already broken heart.

_He's the time, taken up, _

_But there's never enough_

_And he's all I need to fall into_

But I look at my face more closely. I now see it. Pain, heartache, love, and all the things I felt for him. But the me in the picture gave him one last longing look before the image faded, then came up again, and replayed it. It gently laid it down, pleading with my mind to let me heal.

I smile now, tears flowing freely down my face. I sit up, and take a piece of parchment. Then I begin to write:

_Dear James and Lily,_

_Have a nice, wonderful long life, and don't forget to enjoy each moment. Savor each minute, because you guys are lucky. I cannot dwell here any longer. But I hope not to die. When you get this, remember me, but don't look or mourn for me, but take my gift of leaving and use it. I wish the best for both of you. I cannot stay where my heart has been broken to many times. Maybe someday, we will meet up again, but I hope that it is far down the path, many, many years from now. I love both of you with all my heart, please, Lily, remember what I said._

I smile one last smile, then I blow the candle light out, and the room goes dark. I know I will never fix my heart, but someone has to have a bad ending to make up for all the happy ones. The ratios must be balanced, and I would rather me leaving then they. They don't even know what love is yet. They don't know, but they will.

Wait. I can't die like this. I just can't! Fading away isn't as good as going with a bang. If I was going to go out some way, let it be that I accomplish something.

I got up, and thought of what I could do. I had to do something. Yes, I couldn't live with James and Lily, but it would kill him if something happened to her, but I wasn't going to fade away! Maybe a walk would clear me head. I got up, and I left the room. I walked down the stairs, then out the doors. Maybe I was dumb for being in the forbidden forest, but hey, I needed to think.

"Hey, Saundra, what are you out here for?" James asked.

"oh, nothing James, it's just, well, I needed to clear my head."

"I know, ut's kind of scary. I mean, we walk out those doors soon, to the world, and some dark wizard is gaining power."

"I don't fear any dark powers, James"

"Neither do I, but it makes you think." He said. He yawned

"James, you should go back to bed."

"I know, I just heard you come down the stairs, so I decided to follow you. I'm ok, I'm not tired."

"Go back to bed James, I'll see you in the morning." I said, feeling guilty over my lie. I had wanted to kill myself not five minutes ago.

He left, and I kept walking. A dark wizard had been gaining power. Maybe I could fight him. No, I wouldn't live that long. I had to come to a conclusion soon. I knew that I either had to tell someone or live with it, but I couldn't tell, and I couldn't live with it, could I?

I heard the snap of a twig, and a man came out. His reptilian face was masked with a grotesque delight. His limbs were long and bony, and he looked like the man out of the wanted poster in hogsmead.

"What have we here?" he hissed, long, knobby fingers sliding down his wand.

I just looked at him.

"Speak, lowlife, or I will make you speak!" he hissed again. The death eaters surrounded me. Fear welled into my heart, but I was so brave earlier, why couldn't I be now. He seemed to be able to detect fear. I thought of how he had called me a lowlife.

Sure, maybe I didn't end up with James, but I would bet my life that if he got his way, he would ruin their life. "Speak, or I'm going to have to have my friends target your boyfriend." He demanded. He said the wrong thing

That spurred me on. I looked at the two he pointed at. "Traitors." I whispered, hate and anger and fearlessness scaring them. They took steps back.

I faced Voldemort. His smile had faded.

I didn't respond, holding my anger in. maybe I would live. In all honesty, I didn't want to die at his hands.

"Stupid girl!" he hissed

"Maybe." I answered, trying to keep my voice even

"These ideals you believe in, they aren't real! There is no such thing as equality, only power!" he nearly yelled. "You are wasting your time, fighting for a cause that you can't change!" I changed my mind on how I wanted to die. Sure, this wasn't the way I wanted to go, but I was going to go, he was going to kill me, so, I might as well take as many people or do as much damage as I could.

"Tom," I said, and he seemed startled. "The things I know are true. Open your eyes." I said. He grew angry

"I could kill you right now!" he said

"YOU VERY WELL COULD!! BUT DO YOU THINK IT MATTERS? YOU ARE ALWAYS GOING TO LOSE AS LONG AS THERE ARE GOOD PEOPLE WHO WILL OPPOSE YOU!!" I yelled at him, losing my temper, but I didn't stop there, "WAKE UP! JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN FORM AN ARMY, JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN KILL PEOPLE, JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO HEART OR MIND, THAT ALL DOESN'T MATTER! POWER DOESN'T MATTER!" I screamed, then I went deadly quiet, something I had done to one person when I had been angry, and he had never spoken to me since. "And I pity you."

"You pity me? The girl who was so hung up on a boy who didn't notice you?" he mocked. "Feel the anger towards James, I can get you too together, for a price." He hissed, trying to entice me.

"Yes, Tom, I pity you! No past, no future; nothing. Nothing. That's it, nothing,"

"That's it! You die!" he said whipping out his wand. My last thoughts were of James.

"AVADA KEDARVA!!" he screamed, I smiled at him, watching as the bolt came closer.

"You never will win, Voldemort." I said to him, watching at he looked into my fearless eyes in shock. I felt the flash of light come in contact with me. I had scared him.

"James…." I whispered, as everything went black

The next morning, James and Lily held each other close in tears as they read Saundra's last note. He held it in his hands, as he looked over her body, lying there on the forest floor, blue eyes closed. James went over to her still form and cried on her. He never knew. He never meant to. The early morning shadows rested upon her gently, like a veil.

"James, I'm am so sorry. She loved you. It's not your fault. Her note is hopeful, James, she wanted us together. She was the one that told me to go after you. She was the one that showed me how to love." Lily's voice broke and she herself burst into tears again. She knelt by James, and cried, holding him tight. He could see the tearstains on her cheeks. After a while, he whispered, almost choking,

"But it still hurts me, Lily, it still does." He whispered, holding her cold hand. She pulled him up as the Medi-witch levitated the stretcher.

It rose into the air, and then started moving away. With one last look, James saw through his tears that Saundra had a smile on her face that he didn't notice before. She looked relaxed; like she had finally lost the burden she had carried for so long.

Drew looks 

_At me_

_I fake a smile so he won't see._


End file.
